As I walk down the dark and dreary road on the cold, winter morning, I can feel the chill travelling through my spine. My shoes, worn down to the soles and my socks almost immediately following suit are freezing the water that is seeping into the cracks of my shoes, like a WW2 soldier whose feet are slowly rotting due to the dreaded trench foot. My one ton rucksack dragging along the rough road behind me, feeling as if its weight could, at any minute, snap my shoulders in two and rip the bones from their sockets.
As the feeling of death comes closer, there is another threat, the witch, the troll at the bottom of the road waiting to pounce on me with intent to harm... She attempts to stop me upon my travels almost every day, but as quiet as a ninja and as fast as a cheetah I travel, this is what I need to do in order to avoid being caught upon the trolls bridge. If and only if I can escape the witchs grasp, then it, from there is safe sailing, well, in comparison at least.
All of this in just an average; daily walk down the road; something no man, especially a teenager, should have to endure.
You've got a good sense of the need for metaphorical language and this helps with the building of drama. That said, a simile like "quiet as a ninja" is perhaps best avoided, both for being well used and not really fitting with the tone of the story.
ReplyDeleteKeep an eye on your punctuation as several sentences in the early part of this piece blur into each other and disrupt the flow a little.
Having had the 'witch' idea explained it makes more sense as an idea too.